Sometimes I look at my calendar and see something I meant to do… yesterday.

It's broken down into understandable steps, and I have the time. I really, really want this thing to be done.

And then it's 12pm, the start of the spacious 2-hour block I created specifically for finally getting this task off my plate.

I stare at the screen.

My brain goes blank, and my body seems uninterested in participating.

I stand up and wander to the kitchen. I won’t even attempt the task today.

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You probably recognize my internal conversation:

Come on, I’ve been putting this off for days. This isn’t that hard. But also… what if I just push this off until I feel more ready?

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From the outside, it looks like procrastination.

From the inside, it’s more like revving the engine with the parking brake still engaged.

Last year, I had a client who worked at a high-pressure company. They were doing well at work.

But they said it felt like they were wasting their potential, because they kept measuring themself against their absolute best brain-days (those big flow days when everything magically aligns).

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I hear versions of that story all the time. Talented neurodivergent folks who have “tried everything” and are frustrated that nothing works forever.

Because it feels like nothing sticks, they stop asking, What does my brain need?

Instead they start asking, What's wrong with me?

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The first question invites curiosity.

The second question buys into the ableist idea that they’re somehow broken.

Those grow into lives that feel quite different.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to explore how it feels to have a brain that often won’t cooperate on command.

Spoiler alert: there’s no single magic answer. We’re not a slot machine. But there is a more gentle way to understand our own processes.

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For today, I hope this lands:

If you find yourself avoiding things that on the surface don’t seem too difficult… you’re probably carrying something that no one else can see.

You’re not lazy, and you’re not a failure. You’re also not the only one!

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Take care,

Mattia

p.s. Does any task always make you think, Why is this so hard?

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