Sometimes I get sucked into a popular self-help book and the back of my brain starts whispering,

What if we got super-duper disciplined in like a non-toxic way?

“More discipline” is a common piece of standard productivity advice (along with “try harder”). Well-intentioned people share planners! routines! time blocking, now with more pomodoro! have you tried waking up earlier??

The problem is that if we think the individual tools are The Answer, then when they don’t work, now what? Did I just not try hard enough?

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Because I was homeschooled, there weren’t a lot of opportunities to learn when I needed glasses. Then, when I was 11, I tried on my mom’s glasses and yelped,

YOU can see INDIVIDUAL LEAVES on TREES???

Umm yeah, I’m nearsighted. Would you tell a nearsighted kid to squint harder?

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I know a lot of neurodivergent people trying to solve a nervous system problem with discipline.

Some problems can’t be solved through pure determination. They require understanding the exact issue, and sometimes building a customized response.

Not a single person has reached out to me and said, Yeah, I really haven’t tried anything yet. On the contrary, they’ve been researching and experimenting, often since childhood, and often with very little help.

Just because the “solutions” haven’t worked doesn’t mean they don’t care! If anything, they care so much that it turns into stuckness.

Sometimes I sense desperation under the desire to use their talents and bring something into the world. Because they’ve already tried so hard.

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What if discipline isn't the missing ingredient?

What if understanding your brain is?

Then you get to stop measuring yourself against standards that have nothing to do with how your nervous system actually works.

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Few people believe me when I say that self-kindness is more effective in the long run… because it doesn’t line up with their experience of “what works” so far.

But… is trying to be a totally different person really working?

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Over the next couple emails, I’m digging into this more.

Because asking the right questions changed my life.

Mattia

p.s. Some nervous systems are calmed by body doubling, so I made a video of me cleaning my office with regular checkins. If that's your thing, here 'tis​